Do you believe in past lives?
I'm kinda on the fence about the idea of a person being reborn over and over again. But I do know that if I did have past lives, I wasn't a chick. I was most definitely a dude.
I say this because I've spent most of my life utterly confused on how to be a successful girl/woman/female person.
But I think I'm finally getting the hang of it ... after 38 years. But not completely
Every month, I'm surprised by my period.
It starts with "Oh my back hurts. Why does my back hurt?" Then Bill reminds me that I'm getting my period. Then I moan and fuss about having my period.
Every month. (Yes, my husband is a very patient man deserving much more than I have to give.)
Then there's the whole yeast situation.
It's like I'm always baking a loaf of bread or something. What is with all the yeast?
Am I doing something wrong that the yeast keep coming back all the frickin' time?
Itch and ick and 'the hell?
But the worse thing is my "bikini area" (I have to put that in quotes because the idea of me in a bikini is laughable. I've been wearing a swim skirt or long swim trunks to the pool for years. No one sees my "bikini area" unless you have an engraved invitation or OB/GYN after your name.)
And it's a mess. I've tried depilatories, shaving and waxing. It doesn't matter what I do, I get the bumps.
Why is that "area" different than the leg area just below it? Why does it have to be all up in my grill with its difficultness? I shave my legs every day and they never give me any grief. I've tried every at-home hair removal product out there and the bumps, they're a-comin'.
You know what? I'm sick of it. I've got other things to do — like tweeze my brows ... something that I totally understand and can do without injury ... hey, wait a minute.
I remember hearing that Jennifer Lopez has a personal eyebrow specialist that travels with her and maintains her eyebrows.
I think I need to hire a personal vagina attendant. You know, someone to mop it out, steam clean it and generally maintain that thing so I don't have to. She could have a bag full of tampons, Vagisil, Nair, etc. and work on it when I have free time.
That would be awesome.
I just asked Google if there was such a thing as a vagina attendant and it said no. Considering how many women have vaginas, I find that hard to believe.