Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Some people need housekeepers, I need a ...

Do you believe in past lives?

I'm kinda on the fence about the idea of a person being reborn over and over again. But I do know that if I did have past lives, I wasn't a chick. I was most definitely a dude.

I say this because I've spent most of my life utterly confused on how to be a successful girl/woman/female person.

But I think I'm finally getting the hang of it ... after 38 years. But not completely

Every month, I'm surprised by my period.

It starts with "Oh my back hurts. Why does my back hurt?" Then Bill reminds me that I'm getting my period. Then I moan and fuss about having my period.

Every month. (Yes, my husband is a very patient man deserving much more than I have to give.)

Then there's the whole yeast situation.

It's like I'm always baking a loaf of bread or something. What is with all the yeast?

Am I doing something wrong that the yeast keep coming back all the frickin' time?

Itch and ick and 'the hell?

But the worse thing is my "bikini area" (I have to put that in quotes because the idea of me in a bikini is laughable. I've been wearing a swim skirt or long swim trunks to the pool for years. No one sees my "bikini area" unless you have an engraved invitation or OB/GYN after your name.)

And it's a mess. I've tried depilatories, shaving and waxing. It doesn't matter what I do, I get the bumps.

Why?

Why is that "area" different than the leg area just below it? Why does it have to be all up in my grill with its difficultness? I shave my legs every day and they never give me any grief. I've tried every at-home hair removal product out there and the bumps, they're a-comin'.

You know what? I'm sick of it. I've got other things to do — like tweeze my brows ... something that I totally understand and can do without injury ... hey, wait a minute.

I remember hearing that Jennifer Lopez has a personal eyebrow specialist that travels with her and maintains her eyebrows.

I think I need to hire a personal vagina attendant. You know, someone to mop it out, steam clean it and generally maintain that thing so I don't have to. She could have a bag full of tampons, Vagisil, Nair, etc. and work on it when I have free time.

That would be awesome.

I just asked Google if there was such a thing as a vagina attendant and it said no. Considering how many women have vaginas, I find that hard to believe.

23 comments:

Madalyn Sklar said...

That is without a doubt the funniest post I've read on a blog!!!

RiveterGirl said...

Thank you, Madalyn. I do aim to please — I just wish I could be funny without a yeasty va-jay-jay.

Shonda Little said...

This paints rainbows all over my blues. Have you been to cussandotherrants.com. If not, cuss stands for Campaign For Unshaved Snatch.

Daniel said...

Ummm... speechless.

You Googled ... wha?

Good luck with ALL that. Seriously -- my respect for women who have to deal with all that goes beyond my capability to describe in English words, as does my thankfulness that I was born with the opposing set of genitals.

alicia. said...

Hah, I feel the same way. Especially with all the yeastiness, and I've always had such massive period problems...
Do you also have the problem of getting along with other girls? I must have been a dude in my past life too.

RiveterGirl said...

Alicia, I'm lucky to have great girl friends, but I still have issues with lots of women — probably because of my previous dude life.

Cindy said...

this will sound weird ....but....when I was having chemo, the best part was having no hair.....anywhere!!!! :-) ahhh...sweet relief! :-)

RiveterGirl said...

Now, see there, Cindy, that is definitely seeing the glass half full.

Cindy said...

and...I was soooo bummed when the hair...other than on my head....started coming back. Oh no!! so now I'm hoping that old age will do the trick....hair, hair go away and never come back
.....other than my head.....I'm rather fond of those ones :-)

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

Ha! I bet you'd have plenty of volunteers if you opened it up on Craigs list.

Featured on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle online: http://tinyurl.com/6hwlhy

Manager Mom said...

Well, if P. Diddy can have someone that just holds an umbrella for him, I'd think that if the money's right, you can have someone do that for you.

Let me know if you find that special person. I'll go in halfies.

Juli said...

That should just be written into the husband's vows.... "love, honor, cherish, help to maintain a healthy, attractive vajayjay" Immediately followed by "forgetting immediately any unpleasantness" so you can have sex again and all, of course.

Have you tried acidophilis pills for the yeastness? I had to take them when pregnant, b/c my blood sugars were crazy wacko then and I was yeast Mecca.

Found you on Good Mom/Bad Mom! LOVE your blog :)

Rhea said...

Your husband must be awesome. lol

You crack me up. A vagina attendant. OMG, I SO need one of those.

RiveterGirl said...

Hello all Good Mom/Bad Mom readers! Thanks for clicking and reading about my vagina. It's nice to have y'all here!

Susanne F said...

Being a redhead is most of the time fun but with that being said:
I want a vagina attendant too actually I have wanted one for 35 years.
Life is just not fair.

In my next reincarnation I want to be born as a man. Or just born with less - much less hair.

New Age Bitch said...

I love it when people say out loud what everyone else in the friggin' universe is thinking but won't say.

1. Yes, you were definitely a dude in a part life. (I'm a psychic, actually a channel, but nobody's heard of those hardly).

2. You think the dudes have it any easier? All that "adjusting"... no thanks. I'd rather set it and forget it, at least as long as I can.

Kylie w Warszawie said...

Hilarious!

I would have to work up an incredible amount of courage in order to google "personal vagina attendant".

Raging Dad said...

Wow, if ever I have been thankful to have a set of cocknballs, it is today. Bread... [shudders]

RiveterGirl said...

Making grown men shudder is what rivetergirl does best.

(Did I just refer to myself in the third person? Wow, hello strange new thing.)

Cristin said...

Damn high maintenance vaginas....

Amy said...

My period surprises me EVERY FRICKIN MONTH. But my husband is surprised that I'm surprised so who's the idiot now?

xoxo, ShallowGal

RiveterGirl said...

Amy, it's nice to know that I'm not the only one who is surprised by the visit of my monthly "friend."

Wendy said...

This was really really funny! Why are so many people surprised when a women writes about her vagina? It's part of our lives, isn't it?

Anyway... Try eating yogurt everyday. It has a good bacteria that eats yeast. Also, have your husband treated by a doctor. My mom went throught this for years and years. Turned out my dad carried it, but I guess men don't have symptoms (?). Kind of like Typhoid Mary only it's Yeasty Gary.

Have you tried a bikini wax? I'm too scared. lol