Bill often will say that my bandmates and I can be ... well, uh ... mean.
I think he's a pussy.
We three girls are nothing but delightful and hilarious.
(Yes, we do have a fourth member of the band, but he's a dude and therefore denied entry due to our vagina stipulation. But I should mention that Scotty "Boom-Boom Chuck-Norris-on-drums" Davis is an integral part of our little band. Boom Boom is to Riveter such as Billy Preston was to the Beatles — and by saying that I'm in NO WAY implying that we are anything like the Beatles in that from all accounts it seems that the Beatles were actually able to play lots of things on their instruments. Plus they coordinated their haircuts and that's just something we won't be doing.)
The following is a series of e-mails sent amongst the girls of Riveter and punk-rock legend (in his own mind) Bill Halen (aka my long suffering husband and oftentimes our sound guy):
(I should also note — because I seem to be enjoying the parentheses today — that I'm reprinting these e-mails without consent and that they may or may not be exaggerated depending upon whether you want to fire us or something equally bad. So if necessary, just pretend that I made this all up ... which I did not ... maybe.)
Me: I just heard back from Michelle at the Quincy. She's putting us on the calendar for October 25th. Woot! to that.
Bill Halen: Good times!
La La: Kick ass!
BH: I'll do sound for a free drink and added to the guest list!
Me: We can add you to the guest list, but I'm not sure about the free drink.
Kelley: how bout a free kick in the dingdong? or maybe just a free drink.
BH: You guys are mean! Geeeshhh, girl bands, hruumph!
Me: Consider yourself lucky. There are lots of guys who would pay to have Kelley kick them in the dingdong.
Kelley: yeah, alot of guys would pay for me to do that! (wha?) I'll make sure to not wear my really pointed shoes, would that be better?
La: You buy us drinks, Boy-Bitch!
Kelley: yeah, you buy us drinks you ho!
BH: Ok that's it, the price keeps going up with your shinanigans...now I want
drinks, guest list, cheese and crackhoes, pay up beeoutches!
Me: You get to help us load in and out. You get to do the sound. You get on the guest list and you get Kelley to kick you in the dingdong with her pointy shoes.
BH: Ok, only if she sticks a marshmallow on the tip of her pointy shoes. I don't
wanna leave a mark.
La: Yeah, and no farting when you get kicked, either.
Kelley: a marshmellow? wha? OK, why don't I just not kick you in the dingdong. pussy.
La: This is the best conversation ever. This is exactly why we should be reality stars.
Kelley: precisely. but the bottom line is, Bill, that I would never actually kick you in the crotch because I like you so much. but I might threaten to kick you in the crotch if... for example: we were doing sound check and I got shocked in the face.
BH: That is totally fair, but what if instead of a shock to the face you got cockamole on you faceadilla? That would suck or blow depending on what side you were on. Oh, I like you too!!!
Me: OK Bill, are you happy now? You got to you use the "cockamole on your faceadilla" joke.
Kelley: wow. little did I know that I was setting myself up for THAT. I have no quick comeback for the likes of that one, Bill.
See? I told you we were nothing but the epitome of grace and elegance.