Bill calls me at work: Where do you want to go for lunch?
Me: Um, we should probably just go home.
Bill: Why? Because I just dropped a bunch of cash getting stuff we need for camping?
Bill: As I see it, we've already spent a bunch of money today what 15 bucks more on lunch?
Me: It's that logic that made me concede to marry you in the first place.
— Later at the downtown lunch place we frequent —
Bill to bagel shop gal who knows us (fortunately): I'm not Bill today. Today I'm Lakshmi.
Bagel shop gal: OK, so I'll put Lakshmi down on your ticket to be called out when your food is ready.
Bill: Yep, I'm Lakshmi.
Me: *rolling eyes* Tell them that L-A-K-S-H-M-I is pronounced Bill.
When our food is ready, the worried looking bagel shop girl calls out: Lakshmi?
Me: Bill, they called you.
Bill: Huh? What? Oh yeah, I'm Lakshmi today.
Me: double eye roll
Bill: I got the food, you get my latte.
When I try to take my sandwich, Bill says loudly: I got the food, you take the latte.
Me: I hate Lakshmi. He yells.
Bill at the table: Here try this ravioletti.
Me: I don't wanna.
Bill forcing ravioletti into my face: TRY IT.
Me: I hate Lakshmi. He yells and forces his tiny pastas on me.
Bill: Lakshmi doesn't want you to eat his tiny pastas, because they are too good to share.
Me: Good because I'm eating my sandwich which you can't have because it's too good to share.
Bill: Lakshmi thinks you need to adjust your reality.
Me: Lakshmi's lunch companion thinks that it's lucky she isn't married to Lakshmi, because Lakshmi would have permanent sofa marks on his face from sleeping on the sofa.
Bill: Lakshmi's gotta go.