Not so fierce

I know I revisited a topic from days gone by yesterday, but I've got more to say on this topic that I discussed two years ago.

(For those unwilling to click the link, in February 2006 I waxed poetic about the problem with control-top pantyhose and the dreaded muffin top.)

Not long after that post, I stopped wearing pantyhose. They are so delicate that I put my finger through them in about 35 seconds and they just don't fit me right ... ever. My legs are not two slender cylinders of smooth lady-skin. Nope, they are two giant cones of cellulite and dimples.

But, for some stupid reason, I decided to break my self-inflicted ban on the hose du panty and bought myself a pair to go with a new skirt ... and my boots, of course.

I avoided the "control-top" variety like the plague — dude, the fat has to go somewhere and out the top just doesn't ever look good. I opted for the regular fit, whatever the hell that means. This morning I was able to get them on with little difficulty, so it wasn't until I put on my shirt that I realized the trouble with pantyhose.

See, it doesn't matter if they are control-top or not, the waist band is designed to stay up. This design requires a fair amount of waist-cinching material. So while the hose part fits fine, the top of the panty part creates an unsightly dent in my jelly gut.

I tried pulling the waist band up to my ribs and down low around my hips ... didn't matter. There was a dent. A visibly noticeable dent.

The waistband of the skirt did not camouflage the offending dent at. all.

Instead I realized that the waistband of the skirt created its own problem. The skirt has a thick kind of cummerbund band around the top, but it doesn't lie against the skin. Oh no, that would be cute and/or nice. No, the waistband instead stands straight up and away from my body, creating a pointy lump.

So now I have a dent and pointy lump at and around my waist area.

My question is: Why? Why can't the pantyhose stay up without the egregious cinching and why can't the skirt's band lie against my skin like a waistband should? Am I asking too much? Being too unreasonable? Or am I just crazy to think clothes will ever look good on me?

While I ponder these questions, I'm going to draw attention away from my waist issues by clomping around supermodel/horsey style in my boots. At least they fit sans dents or lumps.