Control and ooge

Today, we're going to talk about pantyhose — now, not just any pantyhose but control-top pantyhose.

Here's a picture of this modern-day invention.

For those not in the know, i.e., the men, skinny women and children, the dark part of the hose, the part at the top, is the control part of the control-top pantyhose.

They are ingeniously designed to compress anything that might just be jiggling around and hold it in a vice-like grip. To control those parts of us that get out of control, thereby creating a smooth rump-and-thigh region.

It helps clothes fit and hang better.

Seems like a good idea, huh?

Yeah, but no. There is a huge flaw in the logic.

First, let's go to the above photo and really take a look.

Examine the areas on the model that have are being controlled by the control-top pantyhose. Look closely. Do you see any jiggly parts?

No, that model has nothing that needs to be controlled. She could be wearing burlap pantyhose and the effect would the same.

If you saw a picture of say ... me, in those same control-top pantyhose, you would immediately see the error of the control-top ways.

See I have some jiggly parts that need to be controlled and have worn (and continue to wear simply because I have them) control-top pantyhose (OK, actually they are tights but that's a whole different story).

And in their defense, the aforementioned control-top hose do control my jiggliness.

However, it must be noted that the control-top portion of the control-top pantyhose are designed to control the areas of the thigh, buttocks and lower stomach. The rest of the jiggliness is on its own.

So when I don hose of this variety, I am struck by the fact that control-top hose control the jiggle by compression. The extra jiggliness has to go somewhere. It doesn't just dissipate when squeezed, like air out of a whoopie cushion.

What I've found is that after I've shimmied my way, tugging and coaxing, the vice-like Lycra on to my jiggliness, the extra ooges out the top.

Let me tell you, it is not a pretty sight.

And it opens a whole other Pandora's box. What do I do with the newly formed fountain of flesh that is being squeezed out of the top of my pantyhose?

Do I wear it like a flesh belt? Or do I try to pull the hose higher, allowing it to control more area? It's a lose-lose situation.

Then there is the problem with the lower portion of the control-top pantyhose.

Again look at the model, the bottom of the control area ends below her rumpus, creating a smooth line.

But when I case myself into control-top pantyhose like a Johnsville cheese bratwurst, I can never really create the seamless line between rump and thigh.

Instead, the bottom of the control portion squeezes my fleshy thigh like a rubber band around water balloon.

Yeah, it just don't look good.

So after I've veneered the undergarment to my ample form, I'm now left with a new tube of flesh around my waist and an enormous dent around my thighs and I look nothing like the model in the above picture.

I think that should rename "control-top pantyhose" to "control and ooge hose of mass discomfort."