A man's perspective

When it comes to relationships, I'm a firm believer in asking for what you want instead of hoping that you get what you want.

Why should I expect someone to read my mind when I can just tell them my preferences, my likes and dislikes?

So several years ago, I told Bill that for Valentine's Day, I didn't care about fancy dinners or heart-felt cards. I just wanted a box of chocolates ... nuts and chews to be specific.

I don't really care about the romance associated with this made-up holiday, but I'm all for any occasion that will net me a box of chocolate candy.

This was all fine and good until I started working here at the newspaper four years ago.

This office is unlike any office I've ever worked in before. It's a throw-back to generations past. Everyone dresses up for Halloween and they decorate their areas for Christmas.

On Valentine's Day, there is a veritable parade of deliveries all day long: flowers, balloons, stuffed animals, even singing valentines.

Since that first year, Bill has made a special effort to make sure that I get some sort of bouquet for my desk. This year was to be no exception. He ordered a generous three-dozen pastel roses to be delivered early in the day yesterday.

They never came.

I felt so bad for Bill because he didn't want me to be left out of the rose parade that takes place here every Feb. 14.

There was some delay in the delivery. I told him to cancel the order and that he'd totally get credit for effort and generosity of the order.

And guess what, the flower people (www.ProFlowers.com) refunded all his money AND sent me the three dozen roses today.

Yeah, the best Valentine's flowers ever.

As a small token of my affection for my betrothed, I bought him this book for Valentine's Day:

We take yoga on Tuesdays and we really like the partner stuff we do in class sometimes.

I asked him if he liked the book. He got this school-boy grin on his face and replied, "Oh yeah" like he had just seen Beyonce do one of her booty dances.

I was a bit puzzled until I took a second look at the book, then I realized his excitement.

Here are a couple of the photos from the book:

Girls touching girls. It's like porn ... lesbian porn.

I bought my husband lesbian porn for Valentine's Day — yeah, I totally rock like that.